The Whole World Is Watching, You Haven't Come This Far To Fall Off The Earth...

"You've gotta swim, swim for your life. Swim for the music that saves you when you're not so sure you'll survive."
Today's title and snipet is "Swim" by Jack's Mannequin

It's no secret that I am absolutely in love with music. It always has, and always will be there for me whenever I need it. I listen to music to make me happy when I'm sad, to make me laugh when I'm crying, and to discover things I never really knew about myself. There are times (okay, more often than not) that lyrics can describe my thoughts and feelings more than I ever could. There's just something about it that's so inspiring. That's not to say that I am unable to think of these things on my own. But music just has a way of GETTING ME that nothing else has ever been able to compare to. If someone ever asks me what my favorite song is, I can't answer them definitely. It's become much easier to say that "My song of the moment is..." because depending on the circumstances in my life it changes.

As Mother's Day approaches, I find myself listening to Jack's Mannequin's song "Swim" on repeat. I blast it in my car on the way to work, the gas station, McDonald's, and anywhere else I have to go. This song has been my "mantra" during my hard days. This song reminds me that I have to keep going, that I can't stop the world from spinning, and that life (whether I'm content with it or not) goes on. There's nothing that I can do to change that. So I can either suck it up and keep living my life, or be miserable and just exist. I'd much rather live my life to the fullest than to go through the motions of each day. What would that accomplish? My mother wouldn't want that for me. Vicki wouldn't want that for me. And I certainly don't want that for myself.

I miss my mother terribly. Most days, you would never even know it. Because I can't dwell in the past with what-should-have-beens. I need to keep on keeping on. My mother would be proud of me. She was absolutely brilliant. One of the kindest, generous, and caring people I ever had the pleasure to have in my life. And it's fantastic that I can say that she is my mother. She was almost always right. Especially about my love life. But those were the things that I needed to figure out on my own, and I'm so glad that I did. Not only for the lessons that they brought, but because they made me who I am today. And these days, I am SO happy being me.

I read the last blog I wrote to Brian. A part of me was afraid to let him see it. I don't want anything misconstrued, or to be mistaken with wanting more. So I was a little fearful with letting him hear it. I'm not sure why I was so afraid. He seemed happy with what I wrote. Aside from being my amazing boyfriend, I can say that he's one of my best friends. I can be myself around him, and he makes me laugh. We have classy wine and movie nights and we just hang out. At least once a week, while we're on the phone, I tell him that I have a secret to tell him. Every week, it's the same silly secret. Every week, I tell him that I'm a llama, and every week he acts shocked like this is the first time he's hearing about it. (More on the llama story at a later date).
Everyday he reminds me of how blessed I am. Thank you for that Gorgeous. :-*

And while this blog is a rambling mess, probably filled with grammatical errors (because I'm too tired to care, and too lazy to put on my glasses) these are my thoughts of the night. Unedited (except for swearing, because that's just not adorable to read).

Thanks for taking the time to get to know what's in my head.

-Sammi

I Wish I Could Tie You Up In My Shoes, Make You Feel Unpretty Too...

"Same old me again today..."
Today's title and snipet (while originally was "Unpretty" by TLC) was actually inspired by a mash-up that the show Glee did of "Unpretty" by TLC and "I Feel Pretty" from the musical West Side Story Check It Out

It's 2:30 in the morning and I'm awake writing this. I don't even know what I want to say. I think I may just need to prove to myself that I can still do this. I can still put my thoughts and feelings down on "paper".

I haven't written in so long. It has to be at least three years since I last sat down and just started typing all of the thoughts that were running through my head. Maybe that's why the past few months I've had trouble sleeping? So many thoughts zip and zoom through my head without a rhyme or reason. Most of them make no sense. It's just a jumble of words, not forming a comprehensible sentence.

So much has changed since I last did this. So many ups and downs have come to be.

I miss my mother every single day. Some days more than others, but she is in my thoughts every single day that I am alive. She was my best friend. My mommy. The woman who gave me life and helped to shape me into the person I am today. She was my rock. I knew that no matter how bad any situation was, that she'd always be there for me. I visited her grave for the first time last month. It was so hard. It was so easy to just pretend like I hadn't seen or spoken to her in a while, but seeing the headstone made it all a reality and I couldn't help but cry. I hugged my nephew tight and just let the tears fall. I miss her so much. I can't even put into words how it feels. I don't think that one exists. The closest to describing it would be: empty.

We lost Vicki back in November. I know it's selfish of me to think this way, but life isn't fair. I feel like she had so much more left to do in this world. So much more love to give. And the pain that she went through... Well, the feelings go so far beyond unfair. I miss her. I feel guilty that I didn't take the time to get to know her better while she was still alive. She was my sister, and I took advantage of the time I thought we had left.

Brian is the most amazing guy I have ever had the pleasure to meet, befriend, and date. He is my rock, and so much more. He has been so patient with me, and so kind. If the situations had been reversed, I don't know if I would have continued the relationship with all that I've put him through. We met in late September, and as the holidays approached I started to miss my mom more and more. Then we lost Vicki, and all the time that I thought I had left to get to know her vanished. I was out of time. I had lost my chance, and there was no option for a second one. I was under extreme emotional stress, and the slightest thing would send me into a crying fit. Or a panic attack. It just depended on the day. He was wonderful, and stood by my side. He'd let me use his shoulder to cry on, even though we both knew that he should probably have gone home. I can tell him pretty much anything, without him thinking I'm insane. Though, I wonder why he doesn't based upon our first few months together. He is truly a remarkable person, and I am absolutely blessed to have him as a part of my life. I'm lucky enough to be able to call him mine. Will he always be mine? Only time will tell, but I'm happy living with the fact that in this very moment, we belong to each other. He's my earth-bound angel. I adore him.

I guess I've done what I've set out to prove. I can still do this. Does it always make sense? No, but neither do my thoughts half of the time. Most of the time, I'm really not quite sure what I'm thinking about. I do plan on doing this more though. Maybe not everyday, because I'm just not that disciplined. But, I think it will make my mind healthier, and hopefully sleep come easier.

If you happened to stumble across my rambling thoughts, thank you for taking the time to read them.