I Wish I Could Tie You Up In My Shoes, Make You Feel Unpretty Too...

"Same old me again today..."
Today's title and snipet (while originally was "Unpretty" by TLC) was actually inspired by a mash-up that the show Glee did of "Unpretty" by TLC and "I Feel Pretty" from the musical West Side Story Check It Out

It's 2:30 in the morning and I'm awake writing this. I don't even know what I want to say. I think I may just need to prove to myself that I can still do this. I can still put my thoughts and feelings down on "paper".

I haven't written in so long. It has to be at least three years since I last sat down and just started typing all of the thoughts that were running through my head. Maybe that's why the past few months I've had trouble sleeping? So many thoughts zip and zoom through my head without a rhyme or reason. Most of them make no sense. It's just a jumble of words, not forming a comprehensible sentence.

So much has changed since I last did this. So many ups and downs have come to be.

I miss my mother every single day. Some days more than others, but she is in my thoughts every single day that I am alive. She was my best friend. My mommy. The woman who gave me life and helped to shape me into the person I am today. She was my rock. I knew that no matter how bad any situation was, that she'd always be there for me. I visited her grave for the first time last month. It was so hard. It was so easy to just pretend like I hadn't seen or spoken to her in a while, but seeing the headstone made it all a reality and I couldn't help but cry. I hugged my nephew tight and just let the tears fall. I miss her so much. I can't even put into words how it feels. I don't think that one exists. The closest to describing it would be: empty.

We lost Vicki back in November. I know it's selfish of me to think this way, but life isn't fair. I feel like she had so much more left to do in this world. So much more love to give. And the pain that she went through... Well, the feelings go so far beyond unfair. I miss her. I feel guilty that I didn't take the time to get to know her better while she was still alive. She was my sister, and I took advantage of the time I thought we had left.

Brian is the most amazing guy I have ever had the pleasure to meet, befriend, and date. He is my rock, and so much more. He has been so patient with me, and so kind. If the situations had been reversed, I don't know if I would have continued the relationship with all that I've put him through. We met in late September, and as the holidays approached I started to miss my mom more and more. Then we lost Vicki, and all the time that I thought I had left to get to know her vanished. I was out of time. I had lost my chance, and there was no option for a second one. I was under extreme emotional stress, and the slightest thing would send me into a crying fit. Or a panic attack. It just depended on the day. He was wonderful, and stood by my side. He'd let me use his shoulder to cry on, even though we both knew that he should probably have gone home. I can tell him pretty much anything, without him thinking I'm insane. Though, I wonder why he doesn't based upon our first few months together. He is truly a remarkable person, and I am absolutely blessed to have him as a part of my life. I'm lucky enough to be able to call him mine. Will he always be mine? Only time will tell, but I'm happy living with the fact that in this very moment, we belong to each other. He's my earth-bound angel. I adore him.

I guess I've done what I've set out to prove. I can still do this. Does it always make sense? No, but neither do my thoughts half of the time. Most of the time, I'm really not quite sure what I'm thinking about. I do plan on doing this more though. Maybe not everyday, because I'm just not that disciplined. But, I think it will make my mind healthier, and hopefully sleep come easier.

If you happened to stumble across my rambling thoughts, thank you for taking the time to read them.