Summers & Winters, Scattered Like Splinters

"Through eighty-six years of perpetual motion, if he likes you he'll smile and he'll say, 'Jimmy, some of it's magic. Some of it's tragic, but I had a good life all the way.'"

Today's title and song snippet is "He Went To Paris" by Jimmy Buffett

The funny part about this particular blog post is that Brian's sister, may or may not read it. Though I have chosen to not censor myself (save my "sailor's mouth") I find it slightly terrifying and amusing that she may choose to read this particular post. I know from Brian, that she's read at least one of my other posts, so it's a possibility that she has chosen to follow along with my invitation to cyber-stalk me. :D

Anyway, on to today's post. Today I received a text message from my amazing boyfriend. The fact that I received a text message is not the reason that I decided to write this out. Texts from him are pretty much a daily occurrence. The contents of the message is the reason I'm up at 2:30am writing this. Once you get passed the code Brian writes in (his spelling can be absolutely atrocious and he knows it) he told me that his mom would like to meet me.

Enter instant panic mode.

I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't nervous. Truth be told, my mind was running a mile a minute (the longer you follow, the more you'll understand that most of the thinking I do is worrying. Brian tells me all the time that "it must be exhausting" being me, and most days it is). I'm ashamed to admit that I immediately went into girlie mode, wondering what I should wear, how the hair should be done, whether or not to wear makeup, etc. I wanted to vomit. True story, no lies being told here. I was in a full blown panic, so much so that I called my dad. Daddy, of course, said the things that dads are supposed to. "Be yourself, dress nice, etc." Somehow talking to him calmed me a bit.

The panic subsided until it came time to actually leave and meet her. Heart started hammering again, hands were shaking, and I was nauseous all over again. This is so out of character for me that I didn't even know how to begin to describe it. I have never been nervous to meet a person. I couldn't begin to talk myself down from what was growing into a panic attack, because I didn't know where it began.

Obviously, I would prefer that she likes (liked?) me. I want her to think that I'm good enough for her son, because her opinion does matter. I kinda sorta like him a lot, and I want his family to like me. That's not such a crazy thought, is it? I don't know. The more I think about it (Ah, thinking. My nature persists) I think that it sounds strange, but doesn't everyone want to be liked? No matter how much we say that we don't care what other people think of us, when someone thinks badly of us, it truly does have an impact.

I walked into the restaurant where we were meeting and sat down with Brian, Lauren (his sister), and his mom (Karen). Three menus. Great. Nothing to distract myself from the awkward terror crawling inside of me, but once we all got to talking and sharing stories, I was calm again. The fear, panic, nervousness just disappeared, and I had a great time. I really enjoyed myself, and I hope that they did too.

I'm happy that I got to meet the woman who gave life to the amazing man I call mine. I just wish I were able to return the favor. I know she's there, and she can see everything going on. And I know I can tell stories about her, but I really wish he could have met her. She would be proud of me for having such a great guy in my life. I miss her every single day.

No sadness. Not during the week of my birthday. And even without Brian here to help me celebrate, I plan on having a great 24th birthday doing whatever I'm doing. I just wish I knew what it was. Ha ha.


I thought that this blog post was going to be much longer than it turned out, but I got everything written out all the same.

Thank you for taking the time to get inside of my head. It's pretty chaotic. :)
-Sammi