And The World Spins Madly On...

"I watch the stars from my window sill. The whole world is moving, but I'm standing still..."
-Today's title and song snippet is "World Spins Madly On" by The Weepies

I'm not happy with my body. This isn't a secret, and anyone who knows me should know this. I've always been a self-conscious person, even when I probably shouldn't be. Even though I've made the decision to not censor myself here, I can't help but pause as I write these words. Maybe I don't want to admit it all "out loud"? Maybe I just don't want to admit it to myself?

I'll be the first to admit that I've never been the healthiest eater. Even when I was a vegetarian for those six years, I didn't get the proper nutrition that I needed. While I'm not a huge fan of junk food, or sweets for that matter, fast food is the easiest. I guess that would explain why 1/3 of Americans are either overweight or obese. Unfortunately for me, I fall in the latter category. Apparently because of my height, or lack thereof (I'm 5'1.5" tall, and yes the .5 is important) I should weigh between 95 and 116 lbs. Let's just suffice to say that I don't fall within their idea of a "normal" weight. Nor will I ever. Looking at my frame, if I were to weigh 116, which is borderline overweight, my ribcage would be sticking out. I have curves, and I'm not ashamed to admit that. While I know that I will never be society's "ideal" weight, I at least want to be happy when I look in the mirror or a picture that was taken with friends and my most amazing boyfriend. I want to be able to look at a picture and think "Wow, I look really happy" or "I look really pretty". I just want to be able to look at a picture and not automatically want to crop it.

Brian, Monica, John, Felicia (Monica's mom), and I all went to the waterpark on Tuesday. We all had a great time (minus the sunburn that's currently bothering me as I type this). We were there for hours. Brian and I did all of the water slides and had fun in the wave pool, and just relaxed in the Lazy River. I walked around in my bikini next to Brian, and he held my hand like he was happy to be with me. And I think I can safely say that he was, and is. And for the first time in a long time, I was comfortable in my own skin.

I love looking back at pictures, and remembering the memories associated with it, so I obviously took my camera to take pictures. We had someone take a group photo of us, and I was originally going to post it on Facebook, but decided not to. Why? Because I need time to crop it out. I looked at it, and I couldn't see the memories, all I could see was my weight. There was this gorgeous man with his arms around me, and one of my best friends in the picture, but all I could see was my weight.

I wish I could be that confident girl all the time. The girl who isn't afraid to just be proud of the way she looks. I want to be that girl all the time. The girl who walked around with this amazing man holding her hand, and she didn't give a damn about what anyone thought about her, because all that mattered in that moment in time was what he thought. But then again, I shouldn't rely solely on what he thinks of me either. At the end of the day, what I think of me is the most important thing, right? But even so, walking around with him gave me the confidence to just be comfortable in my own body. Even if it was only for a couple of hours. So, what does that say about me? How should I feel about that?

And I can sit here and complain about how uncomfortable I am in my own skin until I'm blue in the face, but at the end of the day I'm still not doing anything about it. Why? Because I lack the motivation, the confidence, and the drive to even get started. I'm so rooted down by my fears that I can't even begin to fix what makes me unhappy. I'm terrified that I'll never finish what I started, or if I do finish, that I'll be unhappy with the results.

I just want to be happy, and I know that it's not going to happen overnight, and I know that it won't happen without me actually working to make it happen, but I don't know if I can do it again.

There is a little known fact about me. Something that I haven't told a lot of people, mostly because it was none of their business. Four or five years ago, I was anorexic. And bulimic. There, it's been said. It's out for the world to see. Or whoever reads this. I let what other people thought of me get the best of me at that point in my life. One person in particular. I never felt good enough for this person. I was never pretty enough, sexy enough, smart enough, tall enough, skinny enough, etc. The bottom line is, I was just never enough. And that really started to wear and tear on me. I wanted so badly to be good enough that I started with the weight loss. I stopped eating, and when I was expected to eat in front of people I would, but then I would immediately go to the washroom just to vomit it back up. I told people that I was vomiting after every meal, but I lied and said that I didn't know why. I did know why. I was sticking my fingers down my throat to make it happen. I started running. A lot. I was running upwards of four miles at a time. While not eating. I started to lose weight. A lot of weight, very quickly.

I was about 120 lbs, give or take a few. My ribcage was already showing.

I don't want to go through that again. I don't want to put myself through that again, it's unhealthy. But I don't know if I'm strong enough to succeed. I would love to just be happy with myself. I don't need to look like a supermodel. I just want to be happy, and healthy.

Thanks for taking the time to get inside of my head. If you have something to add, have a question, or just want to comment, feel free to do so.

-Sammi